I wrote this for the Prompt Club that I belong to. I hope you enjoy it.
From the desk of Elgar L. Flosian:
I am writing on behalf of the Beleaguered Elves Guild, henceforth known as BEG. Thanks to the Elfen Education Reimbursement Program or EERP as we elves call it, I recently received my online elfen law degree certificate. And just so you know who you’re dealing with here Santa I was able to finish my online law degree in only 4.5 months. Quite a bit quicker than the usual 6 months it takes ordinary elves. Anyway because of my superior skills at debating the intricacies of elfen law, the BEG members have chosen me (after 3 weeks of pleading I might add) to speak for them. So here goes Santa or should I call you Plaintiff? Nevermind I think that will just confuse me so I’ll stick with Santa.
The following are a list of demands that I convinced, I mean that the members of BEG have come up with that I feel, I mean they feel, will create a much happier work place for those of us here on the North Pole.
Demand # 1
Christmas eve off to spend with the family – I really don’t think this is too much to ask Santa after all we’ve been slaving away all year to make millions of toys for all those bratty, I mean precious, little kids out there just so they can whine and cry that they didn’t get enough this year. Why shouldn’t we be able to spend some down time with our own families? If you want to be a workaholic Santa that’s your choice but we shouldn’t have to.
Overtime pay for the month of December – Those all nighters thru the month of December are really taking a toll on our membership. A little bit of extra egg nog or a few more candy canes would go a long way toward improving moral in the workshops.
Casual Fridays. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable those stupid elf outfits are? They’re tight, they’re itchy and don’t get me started on those those skimpy little shirts you make us wear. They don’t even start to cover up our heinies! Do you have any idea how many elves have been treated for frosty cheeks in the last 150 years? I’m sure there’s been plenty.
Better medical insurance to cover splinters, bruised thumbs and lead poisoning tests – need I say more?
Something besides hot cocoa in the employee lounge – really Santa would it kill you to splurge on one of those Keurig machines for a change. The hot cocoa just isn’t cutting it on those late night building binges you make us do. Coffee would definitely help.
Starting September first the only cookies Santa will be allowed to eat are sugar free ones – this is simply for elfen job security Santa. Seriously, how many cookies do you think you’ve eaten in your lifetime? You’re like a walking diabetic time bomb. If you go belly up where are 40,000 elves going to find work, Disneyland?
And finally Demand #7
The number of that sweet looking elf in account… wait a minute, what the heck is this? Oh it’s that new male assistant that HR sent over last week. That’s it! He’s outta there! I’m going to give HR a piece of….. Oh ah sorry. Irrelevant. Where was I?
Yes our demands.
What’s been going on here at the north pole, Santa, is nothing short of elf slavery. All your ho, ho, hoing aside, we are prepared to strike. If our demands are not met you can bet your sugar plum fanny you will regret it. We’ll hit you below that extremely tight, shiny, black, belt of yours. We’ll strike on December 23, do you hear what I hear Santa, I mean what I’m saying? Then who’s going to jingle all those bells hmmmmm? And who’s going to help you deck all those halls? Huh? Or clean up after those prancing, dashing reindeer? The night before Christmas will be a silent night indeed.
You have 12 days to meet our demands, Santa and if you don’t it’s going to be YOUR chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Elgar L. Flosian
Elftorney at Law